SARI BELIAK

Writer| Comedian| Eye-Roller

Swarms of Bees Head to Coachella to Pollinate Thousands of Flower Crowns

INDIO, Calif. –– Swarms of honeybees began their annual trek to the Coachella music festival early Friday morning to pollinate thousands of flower crowns worn by attendees, terrified sources confirmed. “During a foraging flight, bees can visit upwards of 100 flowers, spreading pollen to each one,” local beekeeper Elizabeth Howard explained. ”Pollination helps the plants reproduce — which may explain the sudden boom of flower crowns you see here in Coachella Valley every spring. I’m not sure wha

Women's March Sign Successfully Repurposed For Royal Rumble

PHILADELPHIA – A protest sign originally used at the Women’s March to the Polls last weekend has been successfully repurposed for the first all-female Royal Rumble match, rowdy sources confirm. “I was a little worried that a hand-painted depiction of a uterus defiantly giving the middle finger on poster board would be out of context, but it blended in well with the other nonsensical signs around me,” said sign holder and creator, Brenda Chiu. “But someone else had a sign that just said ‘Cena st

Disgusting, Sweaty Man at Local Show Thinks Female Guitarist’s Armpit Hair Is Gross

DENVER — Local all-around garbage human Russ Mitchell was totally grossed out by a female musician’s armpit hair during a show on Tuesday night, according to witnesses. “I was pretty stoked when I saw they were called High End Hookers,” Mitchell said after the band’s set, taking a large bite of the meatball sub he smuggled into the venue in his pant leg. “I never heard them before, but I almost barfed my nuts out at that armpit hair.” Showgoers confirmed Mitchell started a circle pit during ev

Facebook Releases New Safety Check-In Feature For Women In Hollywood

Facebook announced this weekend that it is releasing a new check-in feature for women in Hollywood to mark themselves safe from the seemingly endless forms of sexual harassment and intimidation they experience from men who claim to have the power to make or break the actresses’ careers in Hollywood. “The check-in feature has become a great way for Facebook users to communicate with their friends and followers that they are safe after various disasters and emergencies, like earthquakes or fires,

6 Inspiring Women To Dress As On Halloween And All of Them Look Great With Stilettos And Thigh Highs

As Halloween quickly approaches, you may be scrambling to choose a costume that helps you stand out from the crowd. Sure, there are the old stand-by costumes that you’ve done a dozen times before (hello, sexy ‘80s rocker and sexy clown!) But this Halloween, why not try one of these looks that will let you honor your foremothers while still looking sexy AF! This costume is a great go-to for anyone who loves a good feminist icon. Pay homage to all the women who took on factory jobs during World W

Selfless Man Bravely Takes Time From Playing Call of Duty To Play Devil’s Advocate on Facebook Statuses

Courageous local man Brian Keller took a break from his 7th straight hour of playing Call of Duty to instead play Devil’s Advocate on his female friend’s Facebook status regarding a topic that does not impact his life in the slightest. “I had been playing for a while, just blasting away those egghead Germans, when I noticed Shelby’s status about some creep bothering her on the bus,” Keller explained. “I immediately knew I needed to inform her that she should be flattered by the man’s compliment

6 College Theme Parties Where You Won’t Want To Take Your Eye Off Your Drink

Whether you’re moving into your freshman dorm or sharing a sweet off-campus house with six of your friends for your last semester together, everyone knows that partying is as much a part of the college experience as is occasionally attending class. You’ll likely find yourself with dudes who really want to make sure you’re drinking and having fun, but if you and your roommates ever get tired of same old kegger with chips and loud music, try one of these fun theme parties that will get so crazy yo

I'm Supporting Local Business By Having A Natural Birth At This Cafe

When it comes to my shopping habits, I make it a point to vote with my dollars and only shop locally. As a conscious consumer, I don’t mind spending a little extra dough if it means supporting the mom and pop shops in my community, which is why I’m having a natural birth on the adorably quaint mismatched couches of this locally-owned cafe. In those chain coffee shops, I’m just another nameless face supporting their bottom line. But here at Copper Moon Coffee, they care about me as a person. The

Fisting Workshop Ruined After Hula Hooper, Fire Spinner Collide At Burning Man

A fire ball was formed at the off-the-grid desert wonderland known as Burning Man after a hula hooper and fire spinner allegedly collided, starting a massive blaze that led to the disruption of a three-hour long fisting workshop underway that afternoon. The fire is believed to have ignited when a hula hooper known only as Gem began performing a “primo move”, tossing her hoop in the air while simultaneously completing a forward roll. Upon reaching to catch the hoop, however, she stumbled and kno

I Didn’t Circumcise My Son Because It’s Time We Acknowledge That Penises Are Funny-Looking No Matter What

From the moment I got pregnant with my baby boy, I knew he would change my life. As my belly grew bigger and bigger, friends and strangers alike would touch me and ask whether I planned on having my baby circumcised. I did a lot of research before I reached my decision. Now, after careful consideration I’m here to say that no one’s stance on circumcision matters to me, because all penises are super weird and funny-looking, no matter what. It’s time we acknowledge the truth that whether a penis

GPS Suggests Avoiding Tour Altogether

TUCSON, Ariz. –– Members of local pop-punk band Trashlings were advised last night by their GPS to avoid another disastrous tour altogether after nine hours of loading their instruments and merch into their borrowed van, according to sources close to the band. “We were planning to leave around 9 p.m. for L.A.,” said drummer Mike Storrs, peering over the dashboard. “But as soon as I put in the address for Silverlake, the GPS said, ‘Do you really want to be stuck on the 405 in a van with no AC or

Netflix Orders Three Stand-Up Specials from Local Dad After Gut-Busting Dinner Table Performance

PHOENIX — Netflix has ordered three separate hour-long, stand-up comedy specials from local dad Bob Cecil after his hilarious comedy performance during a family dinner last Tuesday, executives announced earlier this week. “As we continue to expand our original programming, we are committed to showcasing some of the finest comedians working today,” said Netflix spokesperson Hattie James. “We have been following Bob’s career for years. From his impressions, to his everyday observations — or ‘Bob-

I Cut Down My Grocery Bill By Eating My Roommate’s Food and Gaslighting Her

I Cut Down My Grocery Bill By Eating My Roommate’s Food and Gaslighting Her If you’re like me, you’re always looking for innovative ways to eat healthy on a limited budget. Takeout gets expensive and who has the time and energy to gather ingredients for complicated meals? So, when I discovered this fantastic money-saving trick of eating my roommate’s food and then gaslighting her, I knew that I had discovered the solution to my financial troubles. With just a few simple adjustments to my dail

Home Birth Really Adding to Ambiance of Basement Show

CHICAGO –– The guttural moans and profanity-laden shrieks emanating from the birthing tub of Kia Armetto “really added a certain something” to a DIY basement hardcore show at the Slime Pit, according to multiple witnesses. Armetto reportedly went into labor during the first set of the evening and immediately began the process of water birth, despite the dozens of people in her basement. “I thought she was, like, a guest vocalist or performance artist of some kind,” said witness Korey Paige, re

All-Female Screenings Of Wonder Woman Causes Outrage, Boners

News that the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema celebrated the release of Wonder Woman earlier this month with women-only screenings has left many men reeling in the aftermath, causing both outrage and boners across the country. Upon the theater’s announcement to honor DC Film’s first female-lead feature, many took to the internet to voice their frustrations. One Reddit user who goes by the name Killary69, demanded to know the reasoning behind the theater’s decision, and also wondered what the women woul

Rejected Prom Themes

Enchanting Night Of People You’ll Never See After Graduation Dance Like Nobody’s Watching, But Save Space For Jesus A Night To Remember And A Disappointing Sexual Experience To Forget A Whole New World Awaits You Of People Who Don’t Know You Shit Yourself In P.E. In 8th Grade Midnight Masquerade As Her Friend For Years And Then Get Mad When She Doesn’t Want To Date You I Could Have Danced All Night If My Contractions Hadn’t Started Diamonds Are Forever, But Statistically Speaking, Some Of

GOP Votes to Abort 24 Million Pre-Existing Humans

WASHINGTON –– The GOP-led House of Representatives voted on Thursday 217-213 in favor of terminating 24 million pre-existing humans from Earth. “They had a good run — they really tried — but they’re costing us a fortune. It’s time we put them out of their misery,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said, toasting with members of the GOP in the rose garden. “If you like your sad life, well, I’m sorry: you can’t keep it.” Mr. Ryan then announced to the House that he’s been waiting for years to fulfill his

Freelance Writing Gig Earns Woman Extra Cash And Rape Threats!

Jenn Price was thrilled when she was accepted as a freelance contributor to hot, new feminist pop culture blog ‘Ladies Who Punch,’ a dream job for any feminist writer active in social justice. “I couldn’t believe they accepted me as a freelance contributor!” she gushed. “They have some amazing writers on that site – so smart and funny – it has been a major ego boost. The extra income is really helpful right now, and I’ve received literally dozens of new rape and death threats since I’ve started

Uninsured Woman Only Able to Afford Generic-Brand Thoughts and Prayers

LOS ANGELES — With Congress expected to gut the Affordable Care Act, local school teacher Sofiya Anderson realized late last night she will soon be forced to pay for her cancer treatment with only generic thoughts and prayers. “I’ve been lucky my numbers are OK, and my white blood cell count has improved,” she said hopefully. “But with my mountain of medical bills and rejections for necessary treatments, my next best plan of attack is cashing in the generic thoughts and prayers I’ve received fr
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