Writer| Comedian| Eye-Roller
Reductress •

New Study Finds Children's Prolonged Screen Time Increases Likelihood of Having One Goddamn Moment to Yourself

A decade-long study out of the University of Pennsylvania has concluded that prolonged screen time for children under the age of 12 increases the likelihood of parents having one single goddamn moment to themselves. “Our research was comprehensive,” said Dr. Meera Singh, a lead researcher involved in the study. “And the conclusion is clear: kids who spend more time in front of screens are infinitely more likely to have parents who get one godforsaken second to take a breather from the unending
Reductress •

New Study Finds Porn Creates Unrealistic Expectations of How Easy 69-ing Is

A recent study from the University of Miami examining the effects on teens of Internet pornography found that in an overwhelming number of cases the media created unrealistic expectations of how easy 69-ing really is. “It is a problem, and we have to talk about it,” says lead researcher Dr. Giulia Loudon. “For a lot of teens, this is how they’re first learning about sex, and the more they watch, the more they’re going to think that simultaneous oral is just some walk in the park.” According to
Reductress •

Nutritionists Recommend Eating a Few More of Whatever in Closest Reach

With an unprecedented number of people making the bulk of their meals at home, many are seeking guidance on how to best nourish their minds and bodies in the kitchen. “Right now I’m recommending to all my clients that they eat a few more of whatever’s within arm’s reach,” says Los Angeles based nutritionist Reese Greene. “It’s important to eat to relieve stress during this time, and the best way to do that is to reach your hand into whatever bag of foodstuffs is on your coffee table, and then e
Local •

Veterinarian Wishes Owner Would Just Let Dog Answer One Goddamn Question

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration with the constant interruptions, veterinarian Dr. Kate Ludlow wished Friday that the overbearing owner of Bella the pug would let the dog answer one goddamn question. “Christ, I’m trying to get information from Bella about why she’s come in today and her owner keeps butting in before she even has a chance to respond,” said Ludlow, adding that she realized that the appointment would be exasperating when she offered the 14-pound pug a treat and her pushy owner piped
The Onion •

American Museum Of Natural History Acquires Rare Third-Grader Separated From Group On Class Trip

NEW YORK—The American Museum of Natural History announced Wednesday the acquisition of Kyle, a unique specimen of a third-grade human male, who was discovered wandering the museum late Tuesday. “We are pleased to announce that we have acquired Kyle, an excellent example of a 9-year-old early-21st-century male human, who strayed away from his class a few days ago, only to enter our collection earlier this morning,” said museum director Elizabeth Hartford, noting that the 50-inch-tall child would
Local •

Firefighter Excitedly Checks Drop-Off Bin To See If They Got Any Babies While They Were Out

SAINT PAUL, MN—Saying that he had “a really good feeling about today,” excited firefighter Pat Morales, 37, took the first opportunity he had on his Wednesday shift to check his fire station’s drop-off bin for any unwanted babies that may have come in while the crew was away. “Every time I come to work, I try to be the first one to the bin to check for babies—it’s really the best part of my day,” a grinning Morales told reporters as he gleefully unlocked the climate-controlled box outside of Sai
Entertainment •

‘Kanye Must Be Back On His Meds,’ Says Nation Technically Having Conversation About Mental Illness

NEW YORK—Following a social media post in which the rapper appeared to distance himself from politics, Americans nationwide commented that “Kanye West must be back on his meds” in what, technically speaking, could be called a conversation about mental illness. “That guy was always a wack job, but it’s good he’s taking his pills again, at least,” said Christine Gardner, one of millions of individuals nationwide who was kind of engaging in some sort of discussion of mental health, if you only paid
The Onion •

Inmates Scrambling To Replace Whitey Bulger In Prison Production Of ‘Guys And Dolls’

BRUCETON MILLS, WV—Stressing the challenge of finding another actor with the stage presence necessary to bring the character of Nathan Detroit to life, inmates at the U.S. Penitentiary Hazelton were reportedly scrambling Tuesday to replace deceased mob boss Whitey Bulger in their current prison production of Guys And Dolls. “Man, it’s going to be hard to find another inmate like Whitey who had a great set of pipes and could box step like a natural,” said choreographer and fellow inmate Brian “Bo
The Onion •

U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020

WASHINGTON—Assuring critics that the study would provide valuable information on the spread of sexually transmitted infections in rural populations, the U.S. Public Health Service announced Wednesday that they estimate to have the Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male wrapped up by the year 2020. “After decades of very important research, we’re very close to a meaningful conclusion,” said USPHS representative Meredith Powell, expressing the agency’s immense gratitude for the pat
The Onion •

Report: 80% Of Women Currently Wearing Wrong Size Bra, Shirt, Shoes, Pants, Hat

STANFORD, CA—Apparel and textile researchers at Stanford University reported Thursday that, after 18 months of comparing garment and accessory sizes to the wearer’s actual measurements, 80 percent of American women are currently wearing the wrong size bras, shirts, shoes, pants, and hats. “Once we took accurate body measurements and cross-referenced them with items of clothing instead of, say, allowing women to hold garments up against themselves while looking in the mirror, we discovered that f
Reductress •

Man Pretty Sure He Would Be Flattered If A Stranger Masturbated to Him on The Train

Women in every major city have experienced the sinking realization on public transit that a man is masturbating directly at them. While these women experience horror and disgust at being violated so publicly, one man is daring to think of it a different way. In fact, Geoff Sherman feels certain that if a stranger masturbated to him on the train, he would be flattered. “Masturbating in public is kinda weird,” Sherman explains. “But someone jacking off to you is, deep-down, a compliment. I know f