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McSweeney's Internet Tendency •

Health Inspector’s Notes from the Fisher-Price Kitchen in Miss Carol’s Preschool Classroom

The following health code violations were observed during a recent inspection at the Fisher-Price kitchen in Miss Carol’s preschool classroom at Little Wonders Childcare Center in Scottsdale, Arizona: • No thermometers, timers, or food rotation system in place. Chefs apparently just yell “ding!” when they believe food is ready • Kitchen workers repeatedly touching their eyes, ears, and private parts. Multiple instances of employees putting fingers in their mouths, and occasionally in each other’
Oregano •

Experts Predict Americans May Require Massive Amounts of Cannabis to Enjoy Holiday Season

“After a highly contentious election and particularly difficult year, we estimate many people may need to double, or in some cases even triple, their supply of cannabis to get them through the holidays,” said epidemiologist Dr. Hannah Schnabel, noting that family gatherings, shopping trips, and all travel plans should be considered “high risk activities without the assistance of marijuana in some form or another” this Fall. “Maybe in the past, people figured they’d just kind of wing it and rely
The Hard Times •

Volunteer Medic Applying Bandage to Injury Closest Thing Protester Had to Health Care in Years

AUSTIN, Texas — The first aid administered Sunday by a volunteer medic is the closest thing protester Sammi Ramirez has experienced to health care in years, onlookers confirmed during a march for Black Lives Matter. “This woman rushed over to help me rinse the pepper spray from my eyes, and then she cleaned up my knee from when I scraped it hopping the fence,” said Ramirez. “She asked if I was drinking enough water, and I just started crying… not from the pain or anything, but because I was so
The Hard Times •

Friend Celebrating Birthday at Home in Quarantine Still Manages to Start Drunken Fight and Lose Shoe

MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Local woman Frankie Landis exceeded all her previous birthday expectations by somehow still managing to start a drunken fight and lose her shoe while celebrating alone in quarantine last night, baffled sources reported. “With most of the local bars still shut down and enforcing social distancing, I wasn’t looking forward to spending my 30th at home,” said a hungover Landis. “We usually go pretty hard when we go out, but I didn’t want the quarantine to ruin the party, so we hel
The Hard Times •

Child Not Popular at Home School Either

GILROY, Calif. — 13-year-old Matthew Staller’s social standing has not improved at all since his middle school closed down last month, the seventh-grader quietly reported Tuesday while eating his lunch upstairs in the bathroom he shares with his sisters. “I was actually kind of relieved when they closed our school and moved everything online, because now I don’t have to run the mile in gym class or ride the bus anymore. I thought maybe learning from home would give me a chance to start over… yo
The Hard Times •

Polyamorous Lifestyle Keeping Woman Open to Variety of Disappointing Sexual Experiences

ATLANTA — Local woman Anna Valentina shared Monday that the most redeeming aspect of being polyamorous is having the freedom to stay open to a variety of disappointing sexual experiences, according to sources. “Most of my friends are perfectly fine being in monogamous marriages and relationships, and that’s great if that works for them,” said Valentina. “But humans weren’t meant to settle down with just one shitty and inattentive partner their whole life. I think we’re meant to keep our hearts
The Hard Times •

Cool Office Allows Dog Fighting

SAN FRANCISCO — Tech startup Ampt Ventures announced on Tuesday that, in an effort to cultivate a fun, company culture, their Bay Area office now allows dog fighting. “When drafting our company values, it was important for us to create an environment in which the well-being of our employees came first. What better way to convey that than by allowing them to bring their dogs to the office to freely roam around, get pats, and challenge other pups to battle?” said CFO Christy Sawyer. “Just hearing
The Hard Times •

Doctor Informs Man New Anti-Depressants May Take Up To 6 Weeks To Destroy Sex Drive

BOSTON — Local psychiatrist Dr. Martina Mevorak counseled her patient Adam Mallory this morning, letting him know that it could take up to six full weeks before his new anti-depressants completely destroy his sex drive. “Everyone’s chemical makeup is different, so it may require a bit of trial and error to figure out the exact dosage. But I can assure you that we’ll do whatever it takes to wipe out any lingering feelings of arousal you may have,” said Dr. Mevorak. “I know some people think you
The Hard Times •

Guitar Center Employee Drags Unsold Gear out to Dumpster at End of Day

PHILADELPHIA — Guitar Center employee Henry Stiltz dragged another day’s worth of unsold gear to the dumpster at the end of his shift Tuesday, according to unnamed sources patiently waiting to sift through the garbage. “I’ve tried explaining to my managers that there’s nothing actually wrong with all this stuff, and there’s plenty of people who would be happy to use it, but they just repeat some corporate bullshit about how it’s Guitar Center’s policy to dispose of any unsold product at the end
The Hard Times •

Friend Visiting From out of Town Has Full Itinerary of Places He Wants to Blackout

CHICAGO — Your friend from out of town is gearing up for a real whirlwind of activities this weekend, and emailed earlier today to let you know he has a full itinerary of places where he wants to blackout while staying with you. “I’ve been planning this trip for months, and I was finally able to get the time off work, so I’m really looking forward to seeing all the dopest spots around,” said your friend, who will spend the next several days being shit-faced drunk and belligerent at some of the
The Hard Times •

Report Finds Marijuana Still Leading Cause of Drum Circles

VENICE BEACH, Calif. — Researchers from the University of California-Los Angeles reported Wednesday that marijuana is still the leading cause of drum circles, confirming that there are no other possible explanations for the origins of the social gatherings. “For the last several decades, some of the greatest minds in science have attempted to understand how these improvisational jams take form. But after thousands of hours of observation, we’ve identified a direct link between happily playing d
The Hard Times •

Swarms of Bees Head to Coachella to Pollinate Thousands of Flower Crowns

INDIO, Calif. –– Swarms of honeybees began their annual trek to the Coachella music festival early Friday morning to pollinate thousands of flower crowns worn by attendees, terrified sources confirmed. “During a foraging flight, bees can visit upwards of 100 flowers, spreading pollen to each one,” local beekeeper Elizabeth Howard explained. ”Pollination helps the plants reproduce — which may explain the sudden boom of flower crowns you see here in Coachella Valley every spring. I’m not sure wha
The Hard Times •

Women's March Sign Successfully Repurposed For Royal Rumble

PHILADELPHIA – A protest sign originally used at the Women’s March to the Polls last weekend has been successfully repurposed for the first all-female Royal Rumble match, rowdy sources confirm. “I was a little worried that a hand-painted depiction of a uterus defiantly giving the middle finger on poster board would be out of context, but it blended in well with the other nonsensical signs around me,” said sign holder and creator, Brenda Chiu. “But someone else had a sign that just said ‘Cena st
The Hard Times •

Disgusting, Sweaty Man at Local Show Thinks Female Guitarist’s Armpit Hair Is Gross

DENVER — Local all-around garbage human Russ Mitchell was totally grossed out by a female musician’s armpit hair during a show on Tuesday night, according to witnesses. “I was pretty stoked when I saw they were called High End Hookers,” Mitchell said after the band’s set, taking a large bite of the meatball sub he smuggled into the venue in his pant leg. “I never heard them before, but I almost barfed my nuts out at that armpit hair.” Showgoers confirmed Mitchell started a circle pit during ev
Runt Of The Web •

I'm Supporting Local Business By Having A Natural Birth At This Cafe

When it comes to my shopping habits, I make it a point to vote with my dollars and only shop locally. As a conscious consumer, I don’t mind spending a little extra dough if it means supporting the mom and pop shops in my community, which is why I’m having a natural birth on the adorably quaint mismatched couches of this locally-owned cafe. In those chain coffee shops, I’m just another nameless face supporting their bottom line. But here at Copper Moon Coffee, they care about me as a person. The
Reductress •

I Didn’t Circumcise My Son Because It’s Time We Acknowledge That Penises Are Funny-Looking No Matter What

From the moment I got pregnant with my baby boy, I knew he would change my life. As my belly grew bigger and bigger, friends and strangers alike would touch me and ask whether I planned on having my baby circumcised. I did a lot of research before I reached my decision. Now, after careful consideration I’m here to say that no one’s stance on circumcision matters to me, because all penises are super weird and funny-looking, no matter what. It’s time we acknowledge the truth that whether a penis
The Hard Times •

GPS Suggests Avoiding Tour Altogether

TUCSON, Ariz. –– Members of local pop-punk band Trashlings were advised last night by their GPS to avoid another disastrous tour altogether after nine hours of loading their instruments and merch into their borrowed van, according to sources close to the band. “We were planning to leave around 9 p.m. for L.A.,” said drummer Mike Storrs, peering over the dashboard. “But as soon as I put in the address for Silverlake, the GPS said, ‘Do you really want to be stuck on the 405 in a van with no AC or
McSweeney's Internet Tendency •

I Cut Down My Grocery Bill By Eating My Roommate’s Food and Gaslighting Her

I Cut Down My Grocery Bill By Eating My Roommate’s Food and Gaslighting Her If you’re like me, you’re always looking for innovative ways to eat healthy on a limited budget. Takeout gets expensive and who has the time and energy to gather ingredients for complicated meals? So, when I discovered this fantastic money-saving trick of eating my roommate’s food and then gaslighting her, I knew that I had discovered the solution to my financial troubles. With just a few simple adjustments to my dail
The Hard Times •

Home Birth Really Adding to Ambiance of Basement Show

CHICAGO –– The guttural moans and profanity-laden shrieks emanating from the birthing tub of Kia Armetto “really added a certain something” to a DIY basement hardcore show at the Slime Pit, according to multiple witnesses. Armetto reportedly went into labor during the first set of the evening and immediately began the process of water birth, despite the dozens of people in her basement. “I thought she was, like, a guest vocalist or performance artist of some kind,” said witness Korey Paige, re
National Lampoon | The Humor Magazine Est 1970 •

Rejected Prom Themes

Enchanting Night Of People You’ll Never See After Graduation Dance Like Nobody’s Watching, But Save Space For Jesus A Night To Remember And A Disappointing Sexual Experience To Forget A Whole New World Awaits You Of People Who Don’t Know You Shit Yourself In P.E. In 8th Grade Midnight Masquerade As Her Friend For Years And Then Get Mad When She Doesn’t Want To Date You I Could Have Danced All Night If My Contractions Hadn’t Started Diamonds Are Forever, But Statistically Speaking, Some Of
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